Episode 13: How to Want When You Never Learned How

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You’ve done everything right. The career. The family. The checked boxes. But you still feel… unfulfilled. A little numb. Like something’s missing, and you can’t name what.

In this episode, we explore what happens when high-achieving women realize they never really learned how to want, they only learned how to please.

We’ll unpack why this happens, how it shows up, and what it looks like to gently reconnect with your desire, without guilt, without proof, and without needing to justify it.

What You'll Learn

• Why high-achieving women often feel unfulfilled, even when life looks “good” on paper
• How early conditioning around approval and performance disconnects us from authentic desire
• The subtle ways perfectionism and people-pleasing show up in everyday decisions
• Four practical strategies to gently rebuild your relationship with wanting, without guilt or justification
• How to begin honoring your preferences in low-stakes moments to restore self-trust

Episode Transcript

So, I'm wondering if maybe this sounds familiar.

You’ve built a life that looks exactly how it’s supposed to.

You’re capable. You’re responsible. You’re a woman people can count on.
The career is solid. The family is stable. You know how to run a household, hit a deadline, manage a calendar, and make sure everyone’s fed and on time.

But under the surface, there’s this quiet ache.

You don’t feel like you’re falling apart—just not fully present. Not fully lit up.
It’s like something inside you is a little bit dim, and you can’t figure out why.

You find yourself zoning out during your own downtime.
Maybe scrolling instead of journaling.
Or obsessing over decisions that shouldn’t feel that important.
Or saying “yes” to things and then immediately wishing you hadn’t.

But when you ask yourself why, when you take a minute to say “What am I missing? What do I want?”
Your brain doesn’t really know.

It’s probably not because you’re indecisive.
It’s definitely not because you’re lazy.
It could be that maybe you never learned how to want things just because you do, without a reason that is based in some subconscious external expectation.

This has been my journey, especially over the past five years.

Learning how to peel back the layers of who I thought I was supposed to be in order to find the part of me that actually wants things—not for approval, not for applause, but because they feel true.

This episode is a conversation for the women who can manage anything… except hearing their own desire. It’s for those of you who can’t quite tell the difference between doing what they should do and doing what they actually want.

I want to share that this is super normal, and you're certainly not alone. I've spoken with several clients about this very thing this month alone, and it's a well documented experience of middle-aged women.

Let’s talk about why this happens—and what it looks like to slowly, gently, learn the language of wanting again. Because on the other side of learning how to let yourself want things is the feeling of fulfillment and purpose. That numbness and listlessness will start to dissipate, and it feels so good.

THE PATTERN BEHIND THE ACHE

Let’s talk about how this pattern might have developed. Maybe, for as long as you can remember, you’ve been scanning for what others need before checking in with yourself. Maybe the earliest form of belonging you learned was to anticipate, accommodate, and keep the peace. Like knowing exactly when to be quiet around a parent who was already overwhelmed, or stepping in to help without being asked because it made things easier. You learned early that meeting expectations felt safer than having your own.

Maybe it looks like picking up on your boss’s tone before they even give you feedback, or knowing your partner's needs before they say a word. Maybe you instinctively offer to organize the group trip or bake for the class party—not because you want to, but because you sense it will make things smoother. And you do it so automatically, no one even realizes you’re overriding yourself in the process.

You figured out how to be helpful. Polished. Low maintenance. Impressive. Maybe in college, you dated someone who called you "easygoing" because you never had a preference for where to eat. The truth? You did. But it felt easier—safer—not to come across as picky. You learned to contort instead of ask, to anticipate instead of express.

And in the process, you built an identity around being the one who "just gets it."

This identity was adaptive. It made you feel safe. And at some point, it started to feel like the only way to belong. 

So you kept going. You built a life full of achievement, reliability, and gold stars. And now here you are—successful by all the right standards, but vaguely unfulfilled. Secretly a little numb. Maybe even resentful of how much you do without knowing if you actually want any of it.

And maybe you're aware of this, but when you try to listen for desire, whatever that means, your brain interrupts:

- "Shouldn't I just be grateful for what I have?"

- "Is wanting more silly or selfish?" Or maybe even a less conscious thought:

- "Why would I even deserve to want more?"

This is not a character flaw. It’s nervous system conditioning.

Wanting, for many of us, was not encouraged—it was managed, redirected, or quietly dismissed.

So of course your brain doesn’t register wanting as freedom. It registers it as risk.

But that part of you who wants more? She’s still in there. And she’s not going anywhere.

Let’s talk about how to start listening to her again.

Because when you start listening to yourself again, you're going to move through the world in a way that models how your kids can start listening to themselves. And, to me, this is the best guidance we can give our kids. And you can do it without saying a word, just by living your life from a place of desire instead of risk-mitigation.

THE WORK OF RELEARNING WANTING

So what do you do when you realize you’ve spent most of your life doing what was expected— and now you’re starting to wonder what you actually want?

I offer that you don’t need to force clarity. You don’t have to chase a full reinvention.

I offer that you can just start by listening.

Listening in small, consistent ways—until your own voice starts to feel safe again.

Here are four gentle ways I’m learning to want again. These aren’t steps to master. They’re invitations to practice.

1. Start with Safety, Not Strategy

The first strategy I'll offer you is to start with safety, not an action plan.

Before I can even access what I want, I have to remind my body: we’re not in trouble.

I used to think I needed to figure it all out. Like I should sit down with a blank journal and a cup of coffee and sketch out a five-year plan from scratch. Now, I know I need to ground first.

For me, my daily habit is to give myself time in the morning to write out whatever is on my mind—with no agenda. Just letting my brain play. I often delete what I write. Occasionally I save a line or two. But mostly, it's for no one but me. It's a reminder that I don’t have to produce or prove anything to access what I want.

Without that grounding, I notice I often default to people-pleasing. But when I take the time to center myself, I can actually start to hear what I want beneath all the noise, and this often subconsciously starts to guide how I show up throughout the day from a place of what I prefer vs. what I should do.

2. Track the Micro-Yeses

The second strategy is to focus on the little intuition hits in your body.

For example, I stopped trying to figure out who I am on paper and then pursue that with linear action steps.

Instead, I started paying attention to the moments that made me feel a little more alive. Dressing in ways that feel true to my taste, not just practical. Claiming more quiet alone time, even if it meant disappointing someone. Following sparks of creativity instead of strict project plans in my workflow.

I started to notice books I linger on, whether they are best sellers or random self-help books. I started to notice which conversations energize me and which drain me. I started to pay attention to what I envy in others—not with shame, but as information. For example, I get so lit up when I'm in the presence of someone who is magnetically authentic to themselves, even if they are wildly different from me. I'm attracted to that freedom. It tells me something about what I want more of in my own life.

These are clues. I don’t have to act on them yet. The noticing is the action.

My daughter has asked me a couple of times for a “yes” day, and I’m terrified of this idea, but we’re going to get it on the calendar. I guess, as she describes it, it’s basically a day that parents say yes to everything. Her best friend’s mom did it with her, and, of course, she had a blast. I’m sure there are some reasonable boundaries so that your kid doesn’t eat 20 cupcakes, but I like the spirit of it. And so I offer that to you. What would it be like to give yourself a “yes” day to start building this muscle and experiencing more freedom?

3. Let Wanting Be Just Wanting

The third strategy is to just let wanting be wanting with no justification or explanation needed.

For example, I used to turn every desire into a productivity tool or family benefit or revenue stream. It sounded like this: “If I’m going to rest, it better make me a better mom/worker/person,” or “If I want to take a class or pursue a hobby, it better lead to income or a skill.”

But now I practice this belief: I want this because I want this. period.

Sometimes the want is a nap. And for a long time, I felt like I needed a reason to be tired in order to justify it. Like, I had to be up with my kiddo the night before, or I had to be PMSing. If I couldn’t find a good excuse, I resisted the desire—as if rest had to be earned. And it wasn't just naps. If I watched TV at lunchtime and my husband walked in, I would feel a strong urge to justify it—to mention how productive my morning had been, as if I needed to prove I deserved this break. Now, I'm practicing letting rest be valid without needing an audience or an explanation. I let the want be valid.

Letting my desire be valid without a "good reason" in my has been radical for me.

4. Rehearse in Low-Stakes Places

The final strategy is to practice wanting in low-stakes places. This is a skill that you maybe haven't learned, and it takes time. This is emotional strength training. And you can start small.

For example, I try on clothes I actually like instead of the ones that feel appropriate. I play a song I want to hear over and over for no reason. I eat chicken and rice for breakfast just because.

Every time I honor a want without needing it to make any sense to anyone, even myself, I get stronger.

And those little moments are teaching me how to be with myself again.

CONCLUSION

So well done today! Let’s recap.

We explored why so many high-achieving women find themselves feeling restless or disconnected—even in lives that look successful on paper.

We traced the pattern back to early conditioning that taught you to please, perform, and over-function at the expense of knowing your own wants.

And we walked through four gentle strategies that you can begin practicing today:

- Grounding in safety before chasing clarity

- Noticing the small, intuitive yeses in your body

- Letting wanting be valid—no justification needed

- Rehearsing desire in low-stakes moments to rebuild trust with yourself

I challenge you to pick one to try this week and notice what comes up.

This is deep, identity-level work. It’s slow and sacred and wildly worth it.

And it’s exactly the kind of work we do inside my coaching program. If you’re ready to untangle the "shoulds," rebuild your relationship with desire, and create a life that feels like yours from the inside out—I’d love to walk with you.

You can learn more at choosebetterthoughts.com or reach out with questions. I’m always happy to help you discern if it’s the right next step.

And whether you join me there or not, I want you to know this:

You are not behind. You are not too late. And you don’t need anyone’s permission to begin.

You can start right now by wanting one honest thing and letting that be enough.