Episode 19: Amazon Returns and Emotional Avoidance

Catch this episode on Apple, Spotify, or Android. 

This episode starts with a return you’ve been avoiding and ends with a different way of seeing yourself. We’re exploring why small tasks feel emotionally loaded, what your brain is really doing when you procrastinate, and how the patterns you reinforce in the little moments shape how you show up in the big ones. No hacks. No pressure. Just a different way to respond to the part of you that wants to avoid.

What You'll Learn

• Why tasks like returns trigger unexpected emotional resistance (it’s not about the task)
• How shame, guilt, or dread quietly fuel procrastination—even on things that “should be simple”
• The connection between small avoidance and your bigger identity patterns
• How to name the emotion under the delay—and relate to it differently
• A way to move forward that doesn’t require a breakthrough, just a different kind of self-leadership

Episode Transcript

This episode started with a text from my friend Leeann.

She wrote: “Please do an episode on overcoming fear of returns.”

And I knew exactly what she meant.

We’ve all got one.

The thing that sits just long enough to become part of the landscape.

Maybe it’s a stack of shirts you panic-bought when your confidence dipped.

Or shoes in the trunk that are a little too tight.

Maybe it’s still in the box, still taped shut—because that way you don’t have to deal with it.

It’s the kind of task that shouldn’t feel like a big deal.

But for some reason, it does.

And even if returns aren’t your thing, this episode isn’t really about returns.
It’s about your version of the return—the thing that’s technically simple, but emotionally sticky.
The thing you keep moving to tomorrow, not because it’s hard, but because it stirs something up.

For some of us, that looks like:

- Not scheduling the appointment

- Not answering the text

- Not opening the document

- Not checking the account

The action is small.

But the avoidance? That’s often where the real pattern lives.

And what I’ve found—for myself and for my clients—is that the same emotion that keeps you from doing the little thing is usually the same emotion that keeps you from doing the big thing.

So today, we’re not going to try to solve it.
We’re going to look at it.
We’re going to get curious about the version of you who’s leading in that moment—and the version of you who might be ready to step in instead.

Because how you handle the small things has a way of becoming how you move through everything else.

Let’s get into it.

SEGMENT 1: WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON

 You’re probably not avoiding the return because it’s hard.

You’re avoiding it because it makes you feel something. And probably not something huge—just uncomfortable enough to push it to tomorrow. Again.

Returns live in that strange space: not urgent, not complicated, but somehow… heavy. So they sit.

You walk past the box, or glance at the receipt, and something comes up—maybe a little dread, or that pang of shame, or just this vague sense of ugh, I really should’ve done that already.

Most of the time, I just move on.
And the task stays stuck in that background category of ugh, I should deal with that.

But here’s the thing:
The feeling didn’t come out of nowhere.
It came from a thought. One of those quick, automatic thoughts your brain throws out like a reflex.

Something like:

- “I never should’ve bought this.” → shame

- “I’ve already let this sit too long.” → guilt

- “This isn’t important enough to deal with today.” → resignation

- “I’m not organized enough to keep up with this stuff.” → self-doubt

- “I’ll probably mess it up.” → anxiety

The one that shows up most often for me is: “I should have done this already.”

It sounds responsible. But what it really does is flood my body with shame.
And the moment that happens, my brain goes to work—not on the task, but on avoiding the feeling.

It took me a long while to learn that this is not laziness. 

This is just how brains try to help.

There’s a name for this: the intention-action gap. It’s the space between what you meant to do and what you actually do. And it’s rarely a planning issue. It’s an emotional one.

Your brain predicts that this task will feel bad. And it doesn’t see any payoff—no dopamine hit, no visible reward, no applause. Just effort, maybe a little regret. So it moves the task down the list.

And this same pattern—the one that plays out over a pair of leggings or a shipping label—also shows up in places that matter more.

Maybe your thought is: “I’ve let this go too long, and now it’s a whole thing.” That brings up guilt.

And that same guilt might keep you from following up after a networking conversation—or reaching out to someone you care about.

Or maybe it’s: “If I try to deal with this, I’ll probably mess it up.” That brings up anxiety.

And that same anxiety might stop you from applying for the job, asking for feedback, or having a conversation you’ve been circling for months.

It’s not the task that’s overwhelming.

It’s the emotion underneath it.

And most of us run the same emotional loops—over and over.So we avoid all kinds of things for the same few reasons.

So this isn’t really about overanalyzing a return. It’s about seeing the pattern.

Because the way you move through the small stuff often mirrors how you move through the big stuff—just with more at stake.

So before we go deeper, take a second to name your version of a small and big thing you’re avoiding.

What’s the small thing?

The one you keep meaning to do. The thing that’s easy to justify avoiding because it’s “not urgent”—but it lingers.

And what’s the bigger thing?

The thing that feels more meaningful—but pulls up that same emotion. Guilt. Dread. Pressure. Resignation.

Don’t fix anything yet, just name them for now. Because once you see the emotional pattern underneath both, you’re no longer inside it. You’re watching it, and now we can get to work.

SEGMENT 2: MINDSET SHIFT

So if the return—and everything like it—isn’t just a task, but a pattern you’re reinforcing…

Then it’s worth asking: What identity is this reinforcing?

And is that the version of you you want to keep practicing?

By the time the return has been sitting for two weeks, it’s usually not about the item anymore.
It’s about what you’re starting to believe it means.

You’re not just avoiding a task. You’re reinforcing a story:

- I’m behind.

- I can’t keep up.

- I make things harder than they need to be.

- I’m not someone who finishes things.

And over time, that story starts to feel less like a thought—and more like a fact.

This is how identity works.

Not through declarations, but through repetition.

Not through “I am” statements, but through how you treat yourself when no one is watching.

Eventually, it stops feeling like a choice and starts feeling like a personality trait.

You go from “I didn’t do this yet” to “I’m just not someone who finishes things.”

But here’s something you may not have considered:

What if your brain is just trying to protect you from disappointment, or judgment, or shame?

What if this whole pattern isn’t laziness, but a kind of self-protection?

Avoidance is uncomfortable—but it’s also familiar.

It’s a way to buy time. To dodge the feeling you’re afraid might come up if you face the thing head-on.

This is what most people miss.

Procrastination isn’t just a habit. It’s often a moment of emotional discomfort that we don’t know how to metabolize.

So we push it to tomorrow.

You might feel shame and call it laziness.
You might feel dread and call it disorganization.
You might feel flooded and call it failure.

But none of that is the truth.

Those are just feelings your brain is trying to avoid—and explanations it offers to make sense of the tension.

So before we try to take action, here’s the real work:

Can you feel the emotion that’s been driving the delay—without fixing it, just naming it?

Can you let yourself sit in the guilt or the shame or the dread—without making it mean something about your worth?

Because if you can be with the emotion, instead of escaping it, that’s already a pattern interrupt.
That’s already a shift.

Only then—when the emotion has been named and allowed—can you start to respond differently.

Not to prove anything. Just to stop repeating the part of the story that isn’t serving you.

Once the emotion is named—once you can say,
“Ah, this is guilt.”
“This is shame.”
“This is that foggy, in-the-background kind of dread I always feel when I think I’ve messed up…”
—something in you gets a little quieter.

Not fixed. Not resolved. Just… less reactive.

And from that quieter place, you get to ask:
What version of me is leading right now?
Who’s at the wheel?

Maybe it’s the one who’s always trying to catch up.
The one who believes she’s constantly a little behind.
The one who thinks she has to earn a break, earn rest, earn relief.

And here’s the shift:
You don’t have to fire her. She’s doing her best.
But she doesn’t have to direct this scene.

There might be another part of you available—one that doesn’t operate from guilt.
Maybe she’s steady. Or self-respecting.
Maybe she knows this return is just a return, and that doing it now doesn’t erase anything or prove anything—it just feels better.

That’s what a mindset shift really is.
Not becoming someone new.
Just letting a different part of you step forward—someone with less panic in her eyes.

And when that version of you makes the next move, even if it’s just putting the return in the car or opening the file, it lands differently.

It’s not performative.
It’s not pressure.
It’s more like a little act of self-respect.

And that’s the shift you’re practicing—not productivity, but agency.

From this steadier place, come back to what you’ve been avoiding.

What’s the small thing?

The one that keeps getting moved to tomorrow—not because it’s hard, but because it brings up something uncomfortable.

And what’s the big thing?

The one that matters more, but stirs up that same emotional loop?

Shame. Guilt. Dread. The feeling of being just a little too late.

It’s probably the same emotion underneath both.

And that’s the pattern—not the tasks themselves, but the emotional posture they pull you into.

So here’s your invitation:

What’s one new belief you want to practice—about yourself?
Something that feels slightly more honest, more useful, more self-respecting.
Something that could apply to both the small task and the big one.

Like:

“I can follow through, even when it’s not urgent.”
“I know how to finish things that matter to me.”
“I’m allowed to move forward without catching up first.”

And what’s the emotion that comes with that belief?
Not confidence, maybe. But maybe calm. Maybe steadiness. Maybe relief.

Let yourself feel that—just for a second.
Let that be what moves you forward.

From that feeling, you take one small action.

For the return:

- Find the label

- Check the date

- Put the box in your car

For the big thing:

- Open the file

- Draft the line

- Block time that feels doable, and stick to it

The tasks don’t need to change.
But the energy you bring to them can.

Because when you stop relating to yourself like someone who’s always behind—you open the door to a different kind of identity.

One that’s already available. One that doesn’t need a full reinvention.

Just a different feeling. And a slightly different move.

CONCLUSION

That’s it for today.

You named the small thing.
You named the big thing.
You felt what was underneath both.
And maybe—just for a moment—you tried on a new belief about who you could be inside all of it.

So as you move through your week, notice the small decisions.
Notice the moments where the old pattern wants to take the lead.
And give yourself the option to respond differently—even a little.

And if this episode made you realize how often you’re operating from pressure, avoidance, or just trying to get through the day—I just made something for you!

It’s a free training called “How to Exit Survival Mode (Without Burning Your Life Down)”—and it’s designed to help you understand what survival mode looks like for a high-achieving working mom, how it shows up in your thoughts and behaviors, and how to start stepping out of it with more clarity and capacity.

You can get immediate access to it in the show notes.

Again, it’s not about fixing yourself. It’s about understanding your patterns, and building the tools to respond differently—on purpose. You’re not behind. You’re just practicing a new way of showing up. 

Thanks for being here. I’ll talk to you soon.