Episode 20: When “I Should” Stops Working

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If you're tired of using pressure and guilt to drive your goals, this episode is for you. I'm sharing a simple mindset shift, one that helped me go from “I should” to “what if I already was,” and how it completely changed the way I relate to my goals. We’ll talk about why “should” goals feel heavy, how “what if” identities create momentum, and how you can use this tool today to feel more aligned, playful, and in motion.

What You'll Learn

• Why “I should” goals create pressure and what to try instead.
• How to use “what if” questions to reframe your goals with ease.
• The brain science behind why imagined identity creates real change.
• How to shift your mindset without forcing belief or motivation.
• A simple way to move toward the version of you you actually want to become.

Episode Transcript

I want to teach you a little trick today to give you a mental boost in how you set goals, how you relate to yourself, and how you get things done.

Let me give you a few examples from my own life.

Instead of thinking: “I should work out more,”
I wrote on a sticky note: What if I were a woman who ran three miles every day at 4:30 pm, no matter what?

Instead of: “I should be more present with my kids,”
I wrote: What if I were a mom who gave golden retriever energy every time she saw her kids?

Instead of: “I should start a podcast,”
I tried: What if I were a woman who published a podcast every Tuesday?

Each of those questions did something powerful: They pulled me out of guilt and into a fun identity.

They made the version of me I wanted to become feel closer to me. Not in a hustle-y, strive-y way, but in a warm, playful, possible way.

And this is what we’re going to talk about today.

If you’re someone who’s used to pushing yourself with pressure, if you’ve built your life using “shoulds” as motivation, then you probably know how effective it can be, but also how tiring it gets.

Today I want to show you a different path that uses imagination instead of criticism and vision instead of shame. And I’ll offer you a tiny bit of neuroscience to explain why this works.

Specifically, we’re going to talk about the difference between “I should” goals and “what if” identities, and how a single sentence, spoken with curiosity instead of pressure, can start to rewire your self-concept in a way that lasts and is also fun.

This one’s for the high achievers, the recovering perfectionists, and the women who are tired of using guilt as a growth strategy.

Let’s begin.

SEGMENT 1:  THREE “WHAT IF” STORIES THAT CHANGED ME

I just previewed the strategy we’re talking about today, and I want to go a little deeper into these personal examples. Let’s start with the work example.

For months, actually years, I carried around this nagging thought: “I should start a podcast.”

It sounded productive. Ambitious. Like something someone like me ought to be doing. But instead of moving me forward, it kept making me feel like I was late. Like I was already failing for not having done it yet.

And then one day, I tried my little trick: What if I were a woman who published a podcast every Tuesday?

This sentence didn’t ask me to launch anything. It didn’t scold me for not having figured it out yet. It just opened a door. 

I started to imagine her Monday morning, mic on the desk, speaking calmly and clearly to her people. And I kind of started to believe, wait...that actually could be me.

I didn’t rush to launch the next day, but I also didn’t feel behind anymore. I just started moving toward her, toward myself.

Then there was the version of me I wanted to bring into motherhood.

I used to tell myself all the time: “I should be more present. I should enjoy this time more.”

Especially at the end of the day, when everyone was tired and cranky and melting down, I’d have this running commentary in my head about how I wasn’t being as fun and loving a mom as I wanted to be.

So here’s the reframe of the goal: What if I were a mom who had golden retriever energy every time she saw her kids?

You know, full tail-wag, pure joy, delighted-to-see-you kind of energy. I got this idea from a reel, and the image made me laugh and soften.

Because it wasn’t asking me to fix anything. It wasn’t saying “Be better.” It was saying, “Could this be fun?”
“Could this be easy?”  “Could this be who you already are?”

And honestly? Some days I am that golden retriever mom. Some days I’m not. But that identity became something I could reach for without shame.

And finally, there’s my relationship with my body and movement.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told myself: “I should work out more. I should be more consistent.”

I have been an athlete all my life. But through my child bearing years, and now being in the middle of a pretty huge life transition, it feels like health is another box I am failing to check.

But this week, almost as a joke, I wrote: What if I were a 40-year-old woman who ran three miles every day at 4:30 pm, no matter what?

It was weirdly specific. But it lit something up in me. I could see her, calm, committed, not hustling or proving, just doing it because it was who she was.

That “what if” made it feel like less of a task and more of a declaration. Like I wasn’t chasing a result, I was stepping into an identity.

And then, almost effortlessly, I found myself lacing up my running shoes and jogging at 4:30 pm. Will I continue? I don’t know, but it was kind of neat.

So when I say these are small shifts with big impacts, I mean it. Not because they make me do more, but because they are helping me become more of myself in a way that feels light and easy.

SEGMENT 2: WHY THIS WORKS

So why does this little question, “What if I were someone who…” work so well?

It feels like magic, but it’s actually pretty logical. It’s about how our brains respond to pressure versus possibility.

Let’s talk about pressure for a second.

Most of us, especially high-achieving women, have been trained to respond to “I should.”

“I should get up earlier.”
“I should be more organized.”
“I should finally figure this out.”

And to be clear “should” gets results for us. Your inner taskmaster knows how to drive performance.

But she usually does it with guilt, fear, and a constant background hum of “you’re not quite enough yet.”

It is effective, but it is also exhausting.

“What if” does something different.

It doesn’t demand belief. It invites imagination.

It doesn’t say, “You’re not doing enough.”

It says, “Hey. Try this on for a second. What if this were you?”

And that’s where your brain starts to shift, not through pressure, but through possibility.

Neurologically, the brain doesn’t fully distinguish between something vividly imagined and something experienced.

So when you ask, “What if I were a woman who…?”...your brain starts building a file. It starts tracking for evidence. It begins to see that identity as familiar, as safe, as maybe already true.

And the actions that once felt hard start to feel like alignment, not effort because you’re not forcing yourself forward. You’re reconnecting with a version of you that already exists. And your brain loves to be correct, so it feels good.

You know how I’m always saying over and over on this podcast that our thoughts create our feelings, which fuel our actions, so if you want to do something, do the mindset work first and the actions will naturally flow?

What I love about “what if” is that it gets you into a new mindset, a better thought, without so much effort. You’re not trying to force belief. You’re just playing.

You’re bridging from where you are to where you want to be, not by criticizing yourself, but by offering yourself an invitation.

So let’s try it.

SEGMENT 3: WHAT IF THIS WERE YOU?

Maybe some of these will sound familiar:

“I should level up my style.”

How about: What if I were a woman who expresses herself through her clothing?

Instead of: “I should set better boundaries at work.”

How about: What if I were a person who simply leaves work early on Fridays?

Or instead of: “I should read more.” How about: What if I were a woman who effortlessly reads a book a month?

These are real goals, and the “what if” doesn’t water them down. It just gives them shape, a little visual to fill in, to have fun with. It offers your brain a version of you to move toward in a fun way, without the pressure.

SEGMENT 4: WHAT IF THIS WERE YOU?

So now I want to hand this over to you.

Pick three areas of your life—work, relationships, health. And instead of writing down what you should do, try writing:

What if I were a woman who…

That’s it.

Just try one for each area.

Let them be specific, honest, and kind. And you don’t have to act on them right away. Just notice how it feels to imagine and let the sentence live with you. And after a while, notice what shifts.

And if you like little tricks like these, I invite you to check out my Choose Better Thoughts coaching program. I’m in the community every day offering the tools and applications that have helped me reach my goals, and we support each other in a light, fun, and stretchy way.

Thanks for listening, and see you next week!