Episode 5: “I'm Not a Good Enough Mom”

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Imagine you’re on a work trip, alone in a hotel room, scrolling through photos of your kids—and that familiar twinge of guilt stings your heart. In this episode of the Choose Better Thoughts podcast, we tackle the “I’m not a good enough mom” belief head-on, whether you’re traveling for business or just caught up in the daily juggle. You’ll hear why acknowledging your emotions (instead of ignoring them) matters so much, and how you can use simple visualization techniques to shift from guilt to genuine calm. Join me as we explore quick, practical steps for trading self-doubt for the confidence that’s already inside you—no matter where you happen to be.

What You'll Learn

• How to spot and interrupt the cycle of “I’m not good enough” thoughts using the simple CTFAR framework.
• Why allowing your emotions—rather than avoiding them—can lead to real relief and stronger connections with your kids.
• The difference between healthy introspection and unhelpful self-punishment (and how to keep from slipping into the latter).
• Practical tips for visualizing and mentally rehearsing the kind of calm, connected parenting you want to embody.
• A small, daily action step you can take right away to reinforce a new, more empowering belief about your worth as a mom.

Episode Transcript

Have you ever found yourself away on a work trip, staring at your phone screen filled with photos of your kids, a lump forming in your throat because you're missing bedtime again? I’ve been right there with you, feeling that heavy ache of mom guilt that whispers, “I’m not a good enough mom.” This is one of my FAVORITE limiting beliefs to work on because it’s so obviously not true that it’s easy to dismiss it, but it shows up so often in how we act.

Now, imagine when you are cuddling in bed with your little one and it seems like a perfect moment. Feel that deep sense of relief and confidence that comes from truly believing, “I'm exactly the mom my kids need right now.” Not someday when things settle down, but right now, in this very moment. Here’s what I am offering you today: You can believe this reframe to create relief and confidence even if you’re on a work trip or a girls’ trip, or running on three hours of sleep, or feeling frazzled. That you are exactly the right mom for your kids is always available to you

My clients often share that once they unlock this mindset, everything in motherhood shifts—less guilt, more energy, more confidence. That’s exactly what happened for me too. Once I cracked the code on stepping out of guilt, I discovered a level of ease I never knew was possible.

If your heart’s nodding, let’s talk about how to do this.

SEGMENT 1: CREATE SELF-AWARENESS

Before we look at allowing or managing our guilt, it’s essential that we understand what’s going on in our brains that’s keeping us stuck in the guilt. This is where the CTFAR model comes in. I learned this self-coaching tool from Brooke Castillo during my very first certification program, and honestly, it shifted my entire outlook on motherhood. You may have learned a framework like this in therapy or in a leadership training, as it's based on cognitive behavioral psychology. I'm going to walk you through it with an example.

The C stands for circumstance. A circumstance is any neutral fact—something everyone would agree on. For instance, you traveling for work or pleasure is a simple fact. You had a flight, you stayed at a hotel, you missed bedtime in person. These are details that aren’t inherently negative or positive; they just are.

The T stands for thought. From that neutral event—like “I’m away on a trip”—our brains often create a loaded thought such as, “I’m missing out on important moments,” or “I’m not a good enough mom.” These guilt-laden thoughts easily become our mental soundtrack when we’re under stress.

The F stands for feeling. The thought triggers an emotional response—guilt, shame, or anxiety. You might feel a twist in your stomach whenever you imagine your child going to bed without you.

The A stands for actions. From that feeling of guilt or shame, we tend to behave in ways that give us quick relief but often conflict with our bigger goals. Maybe we overcompensate by buying our kids extra treats, staying up late to do more chores, or over-scheduling “fun” weekend activities. On the flip side, some of us shut down, we are so mean to ourselves, and we end up avoiding playing or connecting, and then spiral into more mean thoughts and more guilt because we’re not fully present.

The R stands for results. In order to let go of a thought, it’s important to notice and decide if you want to keep the result it’s creating for you.  The end result in our example is that we stay stuck in a cycle of “not enough.” We prove our negative thought that we’re not a good enough mom because we’re either overdoing things in a desperate attempt to soothe guilt or exhausted and checked out from being mean to ourselves. Meanwhile, the deeper sense of inadequacy never truly resolves.

We subconsciously think that the travel, the circumstance is creating the guilt, and that if we were just there for our kids 24/7, a different circumstance, that the guilt would go away. But your brain is always with you. If you believe you’re not a good enough mom, then it will still trigger the guilt and the cascading actions and results. It doesn’t matter if you’re physically there. That’s why I work at the belief level with my clients. Because you can change your circumstances all day by changing your actions, but your thoughts and feelings won’t change until you take a look and do this deeper work.

SEGMENT 2: ALLOW YOUR HUMAN EXPERIENCE

So let’s talk feelings. Your first instinct might be to push the feeling away or cover it up with distractions. But as Brené Brown famously notes, shame thrives in secrecy and avoidance.

Allowing your guilt or shame to surface can actually lessen its hold on you. Turns out, when you name your emotions—literally saying, “I’m feeling shame right now”—your brain breathes a sigh of relief. It’s like you’re telling your mind, “Hey, I see you, and we’ve got this.” You’ve likely heard me share on this podcast how I take my anxiety with me instead of needing it to disappear before taking action. It sounds almost too simple, but I'll say it again: feel your feelings.

Of course, none of this is easy. Our social feeds are stuffed with highlight reels of “perfect” parenting, and we compare ourselves to that illusion. But remember, we’re only seeing a curated slice of someone else’s life—just the tip of the iceberg. I like to picture myself as the whole iceberg: yes, I have achievements that might look impressive on Instagram, but there’s so much more beneath the surface—fears, worries, real human stuff!

I want you to be more comfortable with that whole iceberg too. Let yourself experience the full range of feelings, because real change starts in your mind and emotions, not your to-do list. And I wonder for you: How might it feel to track the growth in your thinking and your feeling, not just in the tasks you complete? Noticing my own growth in my internal thought awareness and emotional allowance vs. just my external outputs has given me a TON of confidence.

But I want to add a quick note for you that there’s a difference between introspection and punishing yourself. Healthy introspection is curious: “What am I actually feeling?” and “What do I need right now?” Punishment is telling yourself you deserve to feel lousy. Allowing your human experience is not wallowing—it’s noticing and naming what’s happening.

So if you come home from a trip and your child is distant, it can be heartbreaking. Instead of spiraling, try saying, “I’m feeling guilt. I’m feeling sadness.” Then notice where that lands in your body. Is your heart pounding? Are your shoulders tense? Recognize it.

Next, instead of overcompensating or beating yourself up, break the cycle. Talk to yourself like you would a dear friend or your own child: “Of course I’m sad. I missed important moments, and that hurts.” That small dose of self-compassion opens the door to reconnecting with your kids. Maybe you talk with them calmly, leave a sweet note, or send a voice message if you’re still away.

SEGMENT 3: ANALYZE YOUR HUMAN EXPERIENCE

Alright, great progress so far. You’ve noticed your emotions. You’re allowing them without judgment. Now let’s put your thoughts under the microscope and ask, “Am I really failing here?” This is where we collect real evidence to challenge the “not enough” story.

We need to collect this evidence now because a lot of us grow up thinking self-criticism and pressure is the best way to improve. And sure, this works with anything in the short-term. But, as you may realize because you’re exhausted, it’s not sustainable. So let’s open ourselves up to the possibility that we’re overlooking all the ways we do show up as loving moms. If it’s scary to admit you’re actually doing fine, try listing small, caring moments from just the last 24 hours. Did you feed your kids? Text them a “good night, I love you”? Make them laugh? Even the tiny things count.

Sometimes, I even zoom waaaay out. I look at my overall life—choosing a job that supports my family, or setting aside time on weekends for soccer games, or grabbing a snack with my daughter in between calls. You might not even realize how many loving things you do until you stop and think about them.

Another part of analyzing your experience is realizing that even if you were a “perfect” parent—whatever that even means—your kids would still experience disappointment, frustration, and sadness at times. Literally no matter what you have done or will do in the future. Your kids are on their own emotional journeys, learning how to navigate the world. It’s not your job to prevent every negative feeling; it’s your job to guide them, love them, and allow them to be human by allowing yourself to be human.

In my own experience, always, always, the best thing for your kids is actually to see you taking care of yourself—pursuing a career you love or setting boundaries that keep you mentally healthy. When they witness you honoring your own needs, they learn to do the same for themselves. Ask yourself: “What is genuinely best for me, and how does that benefit my kids?” I know we have all heard that what is good for us is good for them, but a recent study came out showing concrete data that a mother’s emotional well-being strongly correlates with her children’s resilience and overall well being.

So when I feel guilt creeping in—like, “Should I really go for a jog on Saturday or get that facial on Sunday?”—I remind myself that I’m modeling for them how to determine and prioritize their own needs too. And I trust that they will take this with them into their teenage and adult years. And it's no fun if you feel guilty on the entire run or through the entire facial. So please put me in your head the next time you experience this and hear me saying: Investing in yourself is a direct investment in your kids. 

Amazing work so far. Now let’s talk about how to step into that reality even more boldly.

SEGMENT 4: ALIGN TO WHAT YOU WANT

When you think about believing, “I’m exactly the mom my kids need,” you might be familiar by now with “bridge thoughts”—gentler stepping stones between “I’m failing” and “I’m perfect.” For example, “I’m learning to be the mom my kids need” or “I’m open to believing I’m good enough right now.”

But I want to introduce the idea of visualization to really help you anchor a new belief.

Research shows that imagining a scenario in vivid detail lights up your brain similarly to actually doing the thing. Five minutes a day of visualizing successful performance can boost confidence by up to 20 percent. That’s some real data. For busy moms aiming to adopt the “I’m enough” mindset, mental rehearsals of calm, connected parenting moments can fast-track this shift for you.

So if saying “I’m the perfect mom” in your brain feels like a stretch, you can instead picture a peaceful bedtime routine where you speak calmly, your child feels heard, and you’re genuinely present. Hear your voice in your mind, see how you handle any meltdowns or frustrations, and notice how grounded you feel.

For example, in my own life right now, I have a five-year-old daughter who has some sensory processing challenges. Bedtime often triggers her, and she’ll sometimes scream or refuse to change into pajamas and brush her teeth, especially if I’ve been away. I’ve started visualizing how I want to handle these moments before I walk into the room—taking a calming breath and imagining myself calmly explaining, “I know you don’t feel like getting ready now, but we’re going to do your massage in just a few minutes. Screaming is okay—it’s just your way of letting me know you’re upset.” In my mental ‘movie,’ I see myself holding steady, letting her feelings flow, and reminding myself that nothing has gone wrong here. This is just part of her journey.

Rather than battling with her or snapping in frustration, I’m offering compassion and showing that I trust her to release her emotions. It’s only about thirty seconds of mental rehearsal each night, but it’s made a huge difference for both of us. She’s gradually more receptive to brushing teeth and settling down, and I’m seeing steady progress. And when I’m not at my best, I bounce back with far less guilt afterward because I’ve practiced how I want to respond.

Studies suggest that this level of detailed visualization helps the brain integrate new beliefs faster because it weaves together emotion, sensory detail, and repetition—much like how athletes mentally practice winning a race. As an athlete myself, I’m especially drawn to this idea of consistent practice rather than walking into a game without a strategy, so I bring this natural strength and mindset in one area of my life into my parenting, and it’s really working at bedtime!

SEGMENT 5: TAKE AN INCREMENTAL ACTION STEP

So now that you have this vision of yourself as a calm, present mom who fully believes she’s exactly what her kids need, let’s make it real with consistent, doable steps. Your incremental action step this week is simple: Whenever doubt creeps in, find one piece of evidence—right in that moment—that proves you’re doing your best.

It might be as tiny as noticing you paused your email to look your child in the eye during a conversation or remembering you made sure they had a cozy blanket for bedtime. Even if you’re knee-deep in your busiest work season, there’s always at least one way you’re showing up—and that is exactly the evidence your brain needs to disrupt the “I’m not good enough” narrative. Each time you spot a micro-moment of alignment, you reinforce the belief that you’re enough right now.

You can jot these tiny wins down in a journal or whisper them to yourself—“See? I just offered a warm smile instead of a harsh correction”—for an immediate dose of confidence. And if you’re craving extra support and encouragement, come share your win in the private community of my Choose Better Thoughts Coaching Program. Catching that micro-moment right as it happens and celebrating it together provides a powerful shot of dopamine and forward momentum. It’s one thing to reassure yourself you’re improving—it’s another to have a circle of moms cheering you on, reminding you that yes, you are both enough right now AND growing moment to moment.

So, wonderful work today! Let’s take a moment to recap. First, you brought awareness to the sneaky thought “I’m not a good enough mom,” and recognized why it hits you so hard. Also, maybe I should have mentioned this earlier…we all feel this way! You’re not alone! Next, you practiced allowing those challenging emotions—acknowledging that guilt and shame lose much of their power once you stop hiding them. Then, you analyzed the belief itself and realized there’s actual evidence contradicting the idea that you’re not good enough. Finally, you learned how to align with a new, empowering belief through visualization and an incremental action step.

Each of these pieces—awareness, allowing, analyzing, aligning—helps you transform that subconscious “I’m not a good enough mom” script into confidence and calm. I’m so proud of you for showing up for yourself (and by extension, your family) in this way. You deserve the hope and possibility that come from nudging self-doubt aside. And, remember, every drop of self-growth you invest in spills over to your kids, too.