Episode 6: I Need External Approval

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If you’ve ever caught yourself hesitating to speak up on a call, post on social media, or have confidence in an idea until someone else gives you the green light, this episode is for you. In “I Need External Approval,” we shine a light on the subtle ways we rely on others’ opinions for our self-worth. You’ll hear strategies to recognize when you’re slipping into people-pleasing patterns, learn how to comfortably sit with emotions like shame or fear of judgment, and walk away with practical steps for rewriting your inner script so that your own validation becomes the most powerful voice in the room.

What You'll Learn

• Why the subtle (yet powerful) belief “I need external approval” can shape everyday decisions, from work presentations to social interactions.

• How outdated survival instincts influence our fear of rejection and drive us to seek validation.

• Ways to identify when you’re acting to please others rather than honoring your own values.

• Techniques for allowing emotions like embarrassment or fear without letting them derail your confidence.

• Practical steps to cultivate genuine self-approval, so external feedback is a bonus—not the foundation of your worth.

Episode Transcript

Today, we're diving deep into another subtle yet powerful limiting belief: "I need external approval to feel confident." Now, I know you're probably not walking around openly asking everyone, "Do you like me? Is this okay?" But if you're anything like me, there are moments—in the quiet scrolling through Instagram, double-checking a text, or hesitating to voice an opinion—where you might subconsciously seek that little nod from someone else to confirm, "You're doing great."

Let's explore this together. Because while this is a completely human thing to do, when we overly rely on external validation, we risk losing our own voice and authentic self-expression. Whether it’s feeling compelled to perfect a presentation to impress your boss, staying silent in social gatherings to avoid rocking the boat, or choosing outfits to fit in, this sneaky belief quietly shapes our decisions and leads to an elusive lack of fulfillment with our lives.

What’s possible instead? A deep sense of what you want and what starts to feel like intuitive, effortless decision and action with the confidence that you can handle any outcome. This has been my own journey, and I want it for you too.

SEGMENT 1: CREATE SELF-AWARENESS

So why do our brains crave external approval so much? As I’ve shared before on the podcast, it’s simply outdated survival instinct. Thousands of years ago, being accepted into the group was literally a matter of life or death. Now fast forward to today, and our brain still responds dramatically and physically to any sign of rejection. Even a tiny disapproving glance or an offhand comment can send our primal brains spiraling. Combine that with our natural negativity bias, which magnifies any perceived criticism, external approval feels so important. And, to some degree, it’s always going to feel important. There’s no need to squish it like a bug or be frustrated with yourself for wanting it. We can just bring more ease into our lives by bringing more awareness to it.

So think for a moment about your day-to-day experiences: How often do you alter your actions or words based on how others might react? Are you aware that you do this in the moment, or just after the fact? Maybe you avoid honest conversations to sidestep conflict, or find yourself waiting for compliments to validate your worth. It’s subtle but significant.

Now, identify a specific situation where you regularly feel anxious about what someone else might think. Maybe you're editing texts to your mom to avoid guilt, or you're couching your true opinions. Pause and ask yourself—where is this caution coming from? Is it truly out of respect and collaboration, or is it rooted in the fear of rejection? Keep this situation in mind as you learn and apply your takeaways from today.

SEGMENT 2: ALLOW YOUR HUMAN EXPERIENCE

Now that we have some awareness, let’s talk about feelings. The “I need external approval” thought often triggers three core emotions: shame, embarrassment, and fear of rejection.

Shame whispers, “something is wrong with me.” Everyone experiences shame, and it’s never ever necessary or helpful. Always start to question your thinking when shame comes up.

Embarrassment, on the other hand, is an emotion I would lean into. I would feel the flush of your cheeks regularly and put yourself in situations where you might feel embarrassed. Feeling embarrassed is a skill. Because think about it. What more could you accomplish if you were no longer afraid of feeling embarrassed? My fear of embarrassment has dramatically decreased since growing my business. If you’re a fellow entrepreneur, pay attention to when your embarrassment stalls you out. When I practice putting myself in potentially embarrassing situations, whether it’s launching a podcast or singing karaoke, I notice how I always not only survive, but usually grow and learn so much more about myself than when I play it safe.

The third emotion, fear, very similar to embarrassment but deeper, is super primal. It’s signalling that we’re telling ourselves that we might be left out or unloved. The antidote here is to notice how you are actually physically safe right now, assuming you are, of course. Then it’s remembering that just simply existing as a human means you are 100 percent worthy of love, no matter what, and you always have the option to love yourself. No matter what you have said or done. This is my particular world view, and it does wonders when I’m overly focused on others’ opinions of me.

Allowing yourself to experience these uncomfortable feelings, without immediately rushing to fix them, is the not so secret secret to success. One of my coaches used to say that discomfort is the currency of growth. If you want to grow, you’re going to be uncomfortable about half of the time. This helps me accept these feelings vs. rush to get rid of them.

So imagine you propose a new idea at work, and your boss looks unimpressed. Your immediate thought might be, “Oh no, I messed up!” Instead of backpedaling, pause. Breathe. Name the feeling in your head—maybe it’s shame or embarrassment or fear. Say this sentence to yourself: Shame is always unnecessary, embarrassment is the way to grow, and I am safe. Take literally a nanosecond to grow internally. Then speak. This simple act builds inner strength and teaches your brain that you can handle discomfort.

SEGMENT 3: ANALYZE YOUR HUMAN EXPERIENCE

Now, let's dive deeper into getting curious about these thoughts and feelings. Often, our fear of rejection isn't based on reality but on assumptions we’ve built up over time.

Here are two key questions you can ask yourself to get curious when the “I need external approval” thoughts and emotions come up:

Whose feedback truly matters?
Do I like my reasons for valuing certain opinions?

Let’s talk about them one by one. So the first one. Whose feedback truly matters?

Consider your cousin who’s always ready to critique your parenting style. Before taking her opinion to heart, pause and think, ‘Does she share my values or understand my day-to-day reality? Do I respect her expertise in this area?’ If the answer is no, it might be time to let go of the weight her remarks carry.

Consider another scenario: You're juggling work, family, and personal wellness, yet feel pressure to volunteer at school or social events to avoid perceived judgment from other parents.
Since we just moved into a new community, I have had to check this instinct A LOT lately. I find myself wanting to prove to the teachers that I am a super involved parent and to other women that I am social and fun and a good friend. I'm spending more mental energy than usual on this.

To coach myself, first I give myself grace, and then I manage my mind. I ask myself, “What if it’s ok to trust my own judgment about what's truly manageable? I literally picture how much calmer and more authentic I feel when I confidently make decisions based on my own approval, rather than needing external validation. The thing is, I have to actually define for myself what my own approval is so that I can ground myself in it. AND I need to actually replace the external validation with INTERNAL validation. So, for me, right now it's a season of physically getting settled into our new home and growing my business to afford our lifestyle. These words are vulnerable for me to say. But if I'm being honest with myself, this means that some activities for my kids and some social opportunities for me are taking a backseat. While this feels uncomfortable to admit because being involved in my community is a value of mine and I TREASURE with a capital T my girlfriends, I am going to sit with that discomfort and stay focused because I decided these are my priority goals right now. And if I try to do it all, I will probably explode. And I am going to see myself and pat myself on the back every day for it because no one else may notice or give me that good job, and that’s ok. It’s my job to do that for me.

So I encourage you to take this same analytical approach. Ask yourself: "What am I truly prioritizing, and why?" "Am I living based on external expectations, or am I choosing what genuinely supports my long-term vision?" This clarity empowers you to confidently stand in your decisions, anchored by your own internal approval.

Let’s look at the second question: Do I like my reasons?

Say there’s a senior executive at your company you perceive as super ‘cool’ or influential. You scramble to impress them—volunteering for extra projects just to catch their eye. Ask yourself, ‘Am I doing this because I admire their track record, or am I craving the status boost I imagine I’ll get from their approval?’ Identifying your true motive can help you decide if it’s worth your energy.

Or let’s look at another example. Maybe you rearrange your weekend plans to align with a friend’s schedule simply because you worry they’ll see you as ‘selfish’ if you don’t. If you’re only trying to appear easygoing, is that a reason you like? When we make decisions because we feel we have to or we’re unsure whether or not we like our reasons, we don’t do anything to train up our internal trust. So even for decisions that don’t feel tricky, check in with yourself to identify your reason. Get to know yourself. Practice getting to know your whys for doing things in order to build this muscle.

Ok, so moving along, I want to talk a little bit about taking and giving unsolicited advice because this came up with some gal pals and I the other day.

Let’s say over dinner, you hear your sister mention an issue with her son. Before she finishes the story, you start dishing out solutions. If your real goal is to show compassion, maybe letting her vent is more helpful than ‘fixing’ the problem for the sake of feeling needed or approved of. You will know best, but try to bring more awareness to your reasons.

And now that you can see how you might instinctively give advice to a person you love, turn it around on yourself. How might you listen to yourself before jumping into “fix it” mode? How might you ask yourself for what you need, which is maybe just to vent for a minute, instead of assigning yourself another task?

So, starting today, let’s shift toward defining your own standards, anchoring in our two questions:

Whose feedback truly matters?
Do I like my reasons?

SEGMENT 4: ALIGN TO WHAT YOU WANT

Ok, now that we’ve analyzed our thinking, and noticed all the mental energy we spend subconsciously scanning for approval before allowing ourselves to feel confident, let's redirect that same energy toward meaningful personal growth, deeper relationships, and genuine self-connection. Instead of waiting for others to tell you you're enough, let’s deepen your understanding of your own needs and desires.

For example, think about getting dressed for a special night out. Typically, you might pick an outfit hoping it aligns with others' expectations. Honestly, in my new community, I catch myself doing exactly this each time I step out. I probably change outfits three times, wrestling with what will fit in yet still respect my authenticity. When I notice this cycle, I deliberately pause and choose something that simply makes me feel good—at least 1 percent more focused on my joy than fitting in. I consciously give myself permission to appreciate how my clothing reflects my personality or boosts my mood, but also lovingly acknowledge my very human desire to belong.

Here’s a powerful thought I regularly practice: “I have my own permission to feel confident.”

You can easily integrate this into your daily routine by deliberately giving yourself validation before seeking it from others. Sometimes I ask myself, “Would I do this thing or wear this thing if I believed literally no one would notice except for me?” When the answer is yes, I do it. I wear it. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that you are listening to this podcast, but I would think and write about why people think what they think and do what they do whether or not I had an audience. Because I am so fascinated with thought work and the human experience that it gives me purpose. And today I’m wearing a super cute outfit, but I don’t have any clients or social engagements at all. I put this outfit on for me, and I’m just sitting here typing at a computer feeling myself. I used to be SO performative in my professional and personal life, so these tiny steps represent enormous growth for me.

SEGMENT 5: TAKE AN INCREMENTAL ACTION STEP

Ok, you’ve come so far! You’ve noticed where you seek external validation, noticed shame, embarrassment, and fear, and realized that you don’t need anyone’s permission except your own to take aligned action toward what you want, whether that’s choosing a fulfilling career or a cool t-shirt. Now it’s action step time.

Step one: Pick a specific moment where you’d typically seek external validation—maybe you're about to ask a coworker, “Does this look okay?” or you're subtly fishing for a compliment on your parenting.

Step two: Before you reach out to them, stop and give yourself that acknowledgment first. Make it specific and genuine, something like, “I did a great job organizing that spreadsheet,” or “I really appreciate my strength in juggling groceries and toddlers all day.”

And finally, step three: Notice if you still feel the urge for external praise. If you do, that’s totally okay! Just also notice how it feels to have given yourself a genuine compliment first.
With regular practice, this simple daily habit builds emotional resilience. You’ll start relying more on your internal compass rather than external validation to determine your worth, and that’s the very heart of authentic self-confidence.

And because I genuinely love dishing out validation, let me acknowledge you right now! You’ve tackled a sneaky yet powerful limiting belief head-on. That’s incredibly brave and impactful!

If this resonates with you and you're curious about applying these insights even more deeply into your specific context—whether it's your career, family life, or personal goals—I warmly invite you to explore my Choose Better Thoughts Coaching Program. We dive even deeper into releasing perfectionism, nurturing authentic confidence, and crafting a life that feels meaningful and genuinely enjoyable. If this speaks to you, check out my website for all the details.

And I want to reassure you one more time—shifting into self-approval doesn’t mean shutting out helpful feedback or valuable insights from those you trust. It simply means anchoring in your own permission and value first. And finally, one more time, craving approval doesn’t mean you’re broken. It’s human. You’re simply rewiring your mind to let your own validation guide you. And in doing so, you’ll find calm and deep trust in who you are and how you show up. You got this.