Episode 7: I Don't Want to Get My Hopes Up

Catch this episode on Apple, Spotify, or Android. 

Ever catch yourself whispering, “Better not get too excited…what if it all falls through?” In this episode we unpack the hidden cost of guarding your heart and show why allowing full‑strength hope can actually increase your odds of success.

You’ll learn to spot the invisible rulebooks you’ve written for everyone (including yourself), coach your mind through let‑downs with simple turnarounds, and end each day asking, “What can I do to move forward, even if no one else changes?”

By the end you’ll have permission—and practical tools—to dream bigger, handle disappointment with grace, and keep taking bold steps toward the life you really want.

What You'll Learn

• Why “playing it safe” to avoid disappointment also blocks the motivational fuel that turns big dreams into reality—and how to flip that script without feeling reckless.
• The manual concept: how hidden “shoulds” for coworkers, partners, kids, and yourself quietly run the show—and a quick writing exercise to expose them.
• A self‑coaching toolkit that pairs Byron Katie‑style turnarounds with Gary Zukav’s “Earth School” lens, transforming unmet expectations into practical lessons instead of resentment.
• How to drop control of other people’s behavior while still honouring boundaries, using the power question: “What can I do right now that doesn’t require anyone else to change?”
• A one‑step action practice that lets you nurture big hopes (career moves, new homes, healthier habits) today, building resilience so setbacks don’t steal your spark.

Episode Transcript

Today, we’re talking about a sneaky thought many of us share: “I don’t want to get my hopes up.” It sounds like common sense, right? After all, who wants to be crushed if something falls through? But here’s the flip side: when we constantly guard ourselves against disappointment, we also shut out excitement, drive, and the magnetic energy that can bring our dreams to life.

I learned this firsthand when I bought my most recent house. It truly felt perfect—two bedrooms for the girls, a guest house for family visits, and just one block away from our rental so our kids could stay in the same school and community. It was a dream scenario, but I kept thinking, “I shouldn’t get too excited…what if it doesn’t work out?” Yet the moment I allowed myself to fully hope, I was fueled by a different level of motivation and creativity. I reached out for every type of support available to me. I relied on incredible real-estate help, significant financial support, endless emotional kindness from family and friends, and a swat-like moving team in record time. Sure, there was a risk of heartbreak, but leaning into that dream was what made the outcome possible. And my efforts to move forward felt way better than spinning fearfully in my head wondering if I should take action.

So in today’s episode, we’ll explore why it’s not just okay—it’s actually powerful—to let yourself dream big, even if you know you might feel disappointed later. We’ll also talk about how to coach yourself when those expectations aren’t met, so you don’t get stuck in blame. If you’ve been playing small to avoid the sting of letdown, this is your permission slip to dream a little bigger—and to handle whatever reality might bring, with confidence and grace. Let’s dive in.

SEGMENT 1: CREATE SELF-AWARENESS

Today I want to share with you a conceptual tool I learned from one of my first coaching mentors. This tool is called “the manual.” The manual is basically an unspoken rulebook we hold in our minds—a set of expectations that life in general and people specifically should magically follow so that we have permission to feel good. We often subconsciously assume if circumstances and the people around us obey our rules, we can avoid feeling disappointed.

Think of this idea like literal instruction manuals you have in your head: you subconsciously have pages and pages detailing how your partner, your kids, or your friends should behave. If they follow your script exactly, you get to feel calm, appreciated, or loved. If they don’t, you feel upset or disappointed and you can fall into this trap of believing that if the world would just bend to your will, life would be better.

At work, for example, you might think your coworker should respond to your emails by the end of the day or your boss must give you feedback in a certain way. 

In your personal life, your manual might include that your spouse should follow the bedtime routine every night without being reminded or your kids should eat their vegetables without a 30-minute negotiation.

We’ve got manuals for ourselves too, such as “I should never fail; I need to get it right on the first try,” or “I must always be calm and collected.”

And then when life doesn’t happen according to our subconscious instruction manuals, frustration or resentment can creep in and keep you spinning and dwelling in your head longer than you want to. And when we break our own internal rules—maybe we snap at someone or drop the ball on a project—we end up feeling intense guilt or shame because we think we’ve broken our own rules.

So why do we cling to these manuals if they cause so much stress? Usually it’s about trying to control things so that we get to feel peaceful and avoid negative emotions. We think, “If everyone (including me) follows the rules in my head, I won’t have to feel stress, sadness, or anger.” But the truth is, humans are unpredictable, and no one can guarantee your manual gets followed, even when you clearly communicate it. That’s just life. And you will always feel stress, sadness, and anger. This is simply part of the human experience.

To access that elusive sense of inner peace, the first step is always to shed light on what’s going on inside of you. A great way to build self-awareness of your manuals is to literally write down a few sentences that start with “They should…” or “I should…” and see what emerges.

Then ask yourself what feeling you’re trying to avoid if this rule isn’t followed.

For example, your coworker should respond to your emails so that you get to feel organized instead of frazzled. Your boss should give you positive feedback so you get to feel confident instead of doubtful. Your spouse should watch the clock at bedtime so you get to feel peaceful instead of stressed. And you should be perfect in every way so you get to feel worthy instead of not enough.

If you take the time to notice all of these “shoulds,”  you’ll see how these manuals quietly run the show, and you’ll begin to open a window of possibility that sounds like, “Hey, actually, maybe it’s possible for me to feel organized, confident, peaceful, and worthy regardless of how other people show up and regardless of how I show up.

Once you see that it’s possible for you to feel how you want to feel regardless of whether life follows your instruction manual, in other words, once you let go of the NEED to control everything and everyone around you, you paradoxically gain more control over your own emotional world and more confidence in yourself. That’s where genuine peace of mind begins, not in everyone obeying your script, but in you knowing you can handle whatever happens.

SEGMENT 2: ALLOW YOUR HUMAN EXPERIENCE

So let’s talk a little more about the power we can access when we drop these manuals and allow other people to be themselves and allow ourselves to be right where we are.

For example, maybe you’ve clearly said, “I want you to do bedtime at 7:30 sharp—bath, then stories, then lights out by 8.” Your husband agrees in theory, but in practice, he’s a bit looser with the schedule. Bath might start at 8, and the kids are giggling at 8:30 when you hoped they’d be asleep. Dropping the manual means recognizing that even though you’ve shared your routine, he’s allowed to do bedtime in his own style. If consistent lights-out is truly non-negotiable, you can communicate again or adjust who does bedtime. But have the option to skip the step where you spend your emotional energy fighting reality and feeling outraged that he’s not following your script.

Or imagine you’ve said to a coworker, “I’d love thorough, written feedback every Friday, so I have the weekend to integrate it.” They nod, but keep showing up with last-minute suggestions after Friday. Sure, you can remind them—one more time—why a Friday routine matters to you, but if they still do their own thing, you get to decide how you’ll respond from a place of power. Dropping the manual for them means accepting their communication style and focusing on how you can keep your workflow smooth instead of spending more time than you want to in frustration.

And really, would life be any fun if everyone automatically did everything exactly as we told them to? Part of what makes our relationships and families vibrant is that each person has their own perspective, approach, and way of doing things. If everyone conformed to our exact expectations, we’d lose the little twists and surprises that lead to creativity and genuine connection. Sure, it can be maddening at times, but it also forces us to collaborate, compromise, and sometimes discover that our way isn’t the only way.

For us perfectionists, the toughest rulebook is the one we impose on our own lives—like telling ourselves, “I should never skip a workout,” or “I must always eat clean.” If you slip up—say you miss a day at the gym or grab takeout for lunch—you may feel guilty or disappointed because you broke your own law. Dropping that manual for yourself doesn’t mean abandoning your health goals. It means releasing the rigid belief that you must be perfect or you have to feel terrible. You can still aim to exercise regularly or eat well, but now you handle off days with curiosity (“What happened here?”) instead of self-criticism. You regain the freedom to course-correct, rather than spiraling into shame.

In these scenarios—husband, coworker, or your own inner drill sergeant—you’re learning that other people (and future you) get to make choices that might not align with your ideal plan. You can make requests, set boundaries, or offer solutions, but you’re no longer pinning your own emotional state on absolute compliance. You can realize “They (or I) didn’t follow the plan. Ok, that’s a bummer. Moving on. Now I decide my next move.”

Sometimes I like to think of it as having amnesia all of the time to keep myself moving forward. Almost as if I can’t see the past but can only look forward to see what serves me from here on out to reach my goals. It might sound a little crazy, but this keeps me in a peaceful and wildly productive place. And it gives me permission to hold onto my hope and big plans knowing that I can handle any outcome, whether or not my expectations are fulfilled.

SEGMENT 3: ANALYZE YOUR HUMAN EXPERIENCE

Ok, so we’ve explored conceptually how to keep our expectations while recognizing that people might not always follow our scripts. But how do you handle that letdown moment without letting resentment or hopelessness take over? 

First, separate the situation into clear facts.

If your coworker gave notes on Monday instead of Friday, your partner put the kids to bed at 8:20 instead of 8:00, or you skipped your workout after promising yourself you wouldn’t, those are simply the things that happened.

Next, identify the deeper thought underneath the “should” that causes your emotional pain.

Maybe you tell yourself, “She doesn’t value my time,” or “He obviously doesn’t care about my needs,” or “I have no discipline.”

These are the painful interpretations you layer on top of the unmet expectation. These are optional. 

Next, my favorite thing is to use Byron Katie’s approach of questioning stressful thoughts and exploring alternative statements—or “turnarounds”—that might serve you better than your original belief.

Turnarounds are almost a play on words of your subconscious painful thoughts. You literally turn the thoughts around so that they look different and then see what opportunities for compassion and productive action flow from them.

For example, with your coworker, your manual says that “She should always respond with thorough feedback by Friday at 5:00.”

The deeper painful thought when she doesn’t meet your expectation might be that “She doesn’t value my time.”

And then possible turnarounds of the thought might sound like this.

Hmm, maybe “I’m not valuing her time.” This might be true if she’s swamped with other projects and can’t prioritize your deadline. Now you have a little bit of compassion for her instead of raw frustration. This feels better. 

Or hmmmm, maybe “She does respect my time but has a different sense of urgency.” That could be true if she genuinely cares yet organizes her week differently. This turnaround creates instant relief that it’s not about you.

Or how about hmmm, maybe “I’m not valuing my own time by dwelling on this.” This creates a lightbulb for a proactive solution to try.

Now you have to be careful here, because this isn’t about gaslighting yourself. This is about noticing your unmet expectation and expanding your perspective to empower yourself, not to blame yourself. It’s about taking responsibility for what’s possible FOR you and letting go of the idea that you can or want to control other people. Turning things around is to bring you inner peace, not to undermine yourself. It sounds like, “Oh, that’s disappointing. Ok, what can I do here to take care of myself?”

Let’s look at the bedtime example. Your manual might say that he must start bedtime at 7:30 exactly and have the kids in bed by 8:00.

The painful thought underneath when he doesn’t follow your manual is that he doesn’t care about your needs.

A few possible turnarounds might be:

Hmmm, maybe I’m not caring about his need for a more relaxed approach. This turnaround creates instant understanding in your body, which feels way better than resentment.

Or how about hmmm, maybe I’m not caring about my needs. This could be true if you’re expecting him to read your mind instead of proactively communicating what you want. This creates a little window and energy for better communication and ideas.

Or how about the manual for your fitness routines?

You think: I should never miss a workout. 

And the painful thought underneath when you do is that you have no discipline.

One possible turnaround could be: “I have so much discipline.” This could be true if you chose other priorities that felt right to you in the moment instead of your workout. This opens the door for you to notice how much you are getting right vs. getting wrong.

Or how about maybe “I need less discipline”? This opens you up to the idea that maybe you need to rest or make a more realistic plan that is flexible and helps you sustainably succeed over time.

Again, this isn’t about gaslighting yourself or lowering your standards. It’s about loosening your grip on a single painful story, so you can keep your hopes—like wanting that Friday deadline, a routine bedtime, or a consistent workout—while releasing the belief that other people, or even your own perfection, must bend exactly to your script in order for you to feel good.

Ok I want to get a little spiritual with you and look at it one more way. In Gary Zukav’s famous book The Seat of the Soul, he describes life as “Earth School,” a place where every challenge can be seen as an opportunity for spiritual growth. Instead of just feeling victimized by missed deadlines or late bedtimes, you can ask, “What am I here to learn?”

As someone who is obsessed with personal growth, this point of view gives me purpose in every situation.

Perhaps you’re learning about better time management on your end or more flexible communication.

Maybe the bedtime situation is giving you an opportunity to learn how to compromise.

If you find yourself missing a workout, perhaps you’re being nudged to soften your harsh self-judgment or refine your routines so you can fit workouts in more naturally.

This lens reframes a missed workout as a spiritual assignment, rather than proof something is wrong for you..

Using the concept of “Earth School thinking” doesn’t mean you abandon boundaries or become complacent. It means you always have the opportunity to spot a hidden lesson and step into problem-solving instead of carrying the weight of resentment. It’s about transforming unmet expectations into a chance to learn because that is simply more fun than being angry. 

So next time you find yourself saying, “They should’ve done this, and now I’m crushed,” pause and try these steps. Name the facts, identify the painful thought, explore the turnarounds, and if you’re open to it, ask, “How could this be a lesson for me?”

SEGMENT 4: ALIGN TO WHAT YOU WANT

Ok, so you’ve done the inner work—naming facts, spotting painful thoughts, and exploring new perspectives. But how do you still move toward your dream outcome, especially when people around you aren’t always cooperating?

Here’s where a single, well-placed question can shift you from blaming or feeling helpless to generating solutions.

After you identify your desired outcome, ask yourself, “What’s one thing I can do right now to move toward that outcome—without requiring someone else to change?”

If you realize you’re fuming that your coworker won’t respond on time, you can wonder if it’s possible to schedule a short, weekly check-in so you’re not reliant on her last-minute scramble. Take your power back.

If your partner is laid-back about bedtime, maybe you can prep pajamas and bedtime books in advance, offer to do the bath yourself, or calmly discuss which parts of the routine are non-negotiable. 

You will have the energy to take these steps because you have coached yourself to access compassion, understanding, and potential opportunity.

This question of what you can do without requiring someone else to change can transform resentment into resourcefulness and heavy hopelessness into light action.

SEGMENT 5: TAKE AN INCREMENTAL ACTION STEP

Alright, we’ve traveled through this entire journey—how to notice your “manuals,” allow people to be who they are, coach yourself when expectations aren’t met, and align with what you truly want.

You might remember my story of finding the perfect house. My brain tried to say, “Don’t get your hopes up; it might fall through.” But instead I asked myself, “Well, if this were going to work out, how would I spend my time right now? “ Letting myself have hope and asking that question fueled my motivation to ask for help. And the thing is, even if we weren’t able to get the house, I would have learned SO many lessons. I learned how to ask for help. I experienced more gratitude than I ever have in my whole life. I grew exponentially through the process, and I would have that to take with me whether or not I had the house.

So let’s turn it to you. Think of a hope you’ve been secretly nurturing—maybe it’s about a career move, a personal goal, or a shift at home. In a situation where you feel beholden to others’ actions, ask yourself, “What’s one small action I can take today to bring me one step closer to my vision—without waiting for anyone else to change?” Maybe it’s sending a follow-up email, setting up a new routine, or simply writing down a plan. 

As you take that step, revisit everything we’ve covered. Hold onto your hopes without shrinking them to avoid pain.

Recognize your manuals but know they’re not the best path to peace.

Amazing job today. You’ve practiced allowing others and yourself to be human, and now you know how to coach yourself through disappointment by naming the facts, spotting the painful thought, turning it around, and noticing what you might be being nudged to learn. And you have that powerful question: “What can I do right now to move myself forward, regardless of what others do?” This is how you keep dreaming big without letting unmet expectations steal your spark.

Let yourself feel that excitement, do the self-coaching when reality falls short, and then make a move that’s fully in your power. You’ve got this!